Vote Screwdriver!

I’m running for mayor of Newburyport.

To stop any further damage resulting from the current administration’s “New for the sake of new” and “If it ain’t broke, break it” policies, I hereby present a ten-point plan:

First:  Restore the American principle of “innocent until proven guilty” gutted when Mayor Sean Reardon treated the library volunteers as guilty as soon as charged.

Second:  Reinstate the volunteers and the recently “retired”—despite being highly skilled, engaging, dedicated, and relatively young—archivist.

Third:  Replace NPL’s head-nodding board of directors with people who actually pay attention to what happens and act rather than look the other way when ethics are violated.

Fourth:  Reinstate the Parks Dept. and highly successful director who served Newburyport from 2006 to 2023.

Fifth:  Fire any member of any city agency or board who attempted to circumvent the advice of scientists, architects, economists, environmentalists, historians, and other professional consultants for the sake of pet projects.

Sixth:  Reinstate one said consultant and provide him with an office aside Frog Pond and an alarm to sound if Reardon’s Toy-Boats-R-Us proposal is ever again mentioned anywhere near it.

Seventh:  Fix the green arrow at the juncture of Low St. and US-1, even if I have to get a ladder and do it myself. I know something about electricity.

And that’s just between the time I take the oath and get myself to The Grog for a couple pints of Guinness.

City Hall? I’ll have the place fumigated and left vacant with all windows open for a week before I set foot in it.

Ditto the crime scene that calls itself a public library. Eighth:  Demand one of two things from all library staff:  Specific documentation of their charges against the volunteers or an apology for smearing them.

They made the charges public, so they must make the proof public, or they are unfit for public service.  Ditto the mayor and others in City Hall who have coddled them.

Ninth:  Fire any city employee who believes that an “investigation” regarding the dispute at NPL ever happened—other than a few softball questions to a few cherry-picked stooges—on the grounds of gullibility.

Good luck finding that word in a union contract!

City Council? I’ll be inclined to approve what they plan. Sure, I’ll view all plans with my advisor and parole officer, Helen Highwater, before signing off on anything.

But if there’s any attempt to turn another traffic circle into real-life dodgems, I’ll slam the brakes.

My strength is getting rid of incompetence, undoing incompetence, and cleaning up incompetence made by incompetents so incompetent that they get rid of experienced, dedicated, talented public servants for no better reason than “having new people.”

Thanks to a way-over-his-head mayor who equates “new” with “improved,” there’s a lot of incompetence to clean up.

And I alone can do it! As my former crew-leader, former Polish Pres. Lech Walesa, a life-long electrician before he led a peaceful revolution, told me:

“In all my years, I’ve broken no more than two or three screwdrivers tightening a screw. But I’ve broken dozens trying to loosen them.”

Years ago, a mayoral candidate declared herself “here to listen.”  Well, I’m here to loosen.

Tenth:  I will unscrew at least one City Council practice. In 2022, it held a joint meeting with the School Committee to hear presentations from five candidates for an open seat.

The very purpose of joint meetings is to allow two groups to gain information and then deliberate among themselves before making a decision.

The record shows that Reardon “chaired” the meeting.   If so, then hammers “chair” nails:  No discussion, no debate, no careful consideration. Just the vote.

To call Reardon’s Newburyport a banana republic would be to insult bananas.

Votes require thought.  So, think of voting for me, “Jack the Slack,” as your mayor.

Call it the Hammer vs. the Screwdriver.  As a loose screw myself, I’ll fit right in to City Hall. 

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POSTSCRIPT: If you haven’t already classified this as satire, please know that it was intended for publication in the Newburyport Daily News on April Fools Day. Someone missed a signal, and it ran Friday. As a result, I am now answering requests from people looking for lawn signs and volunteering for the campaign. A nice problem to have. In fact, considering how the word “incompetence” is repeatedly used like a dagger, the Ides of March actually was a better choice. Just know that was not done in the back, but head-on, in full view.