Looking for a lucrative job doing what I do best–making stuff up–I’ve been waiting for someone headed for the top who would take me along in exchange for my services.
When JD Vance credited Donald Trump for the exchange of hostages and political prisoners orchestrated by Joe Biden with several countries Trump couldn’t find on a map, I knew I had my ticket to the Speech Writers Hall of Fame. Immediately, I took it upon myself to find out just what other mainstream media myths he may have been onto before his VP selection put his every utterance in the news and on social media.
By now, if you’ve paid any attention at all, you’ve heard of–perhaps have heard–his senate speeches accusing Ukrainian officials, including Pres. Volodymyr Zelenskyy, of turning American money intended for military defense against Russia into luxury yachts.
Must be rough sailing under aerial bombardment on the Black Sea. And the Beatles thought that Ukraine girls really knocked them out???
Anyway, be that as it may, most news outlets pointed out that there was no evidence of Zelenskyy cruising, fishing, surfing, scuba-diving, skinny-dipping, para-sailing, water-skiing, or anything else off the coast of Crimea, nor was there any source other than the Kremlin that now has several Republicans in both the House and Senate parroting Putin’s talking points.
But that merely shows a weakness. JD is no messenger for a message already formed. Not anymore than he is fit for analysis as he unwittingly revealed with his embittered depiction of “childless cat-ladies.” The former shows him as gullible, the second as hateful. Granted, these are precisely why Trump chose him–in addition to JD’s slavish loyalty to the guy he once called “America’s Hitler,” which is easy for Trump to overlook for the sake of bringing Vance’s crypto-billionaire donors into the fold.
However, to win rather than repel votes, JD must take a new tack–one that will please his worship more than the slurs. Enter me. I’d like to say that I alone can show him what it is, but he already stumbled onto it. All I need do is find more instances to which he can apply it.
For example, remember the raid of the compound resulting in the death of Osama Bin Laden? Never happened. Democrats staged it with a body double while the mastermind of 9/11 was whisked out the back door to be flown to Mozambique from where he would still call al-Qaeda’s shots while living off federal funds sent him by Chuck and Nancy. Not to worry! American taxpayers were spared that indignity when Donald Trump himself was tipped off by his most trusted source, “some people,” and, waiting at that backdoor, jumped on the arch-terrorist who was immediately killed under that well-kept weight.
Yes, that’s in the past, but it serves to show what I can gaslight as events unfold. General issues will be a cinch. This 50-year low unemployment rate, increased wages, and record number of new businesses in Biden’s booming economy? That’s only because employers know that Trump will return to office and want their companies at full strength when prosperity lands on America at noon, January 20, 2025.
Sounds preposterous? Compare it to what Vance said of the prisoner and hostage exchange:
Why are they coming home? …because bad guys all over the world recognize Donald Trump’s about to be back in office, so they’re cleaning house. That’s a good thing, and I think it’s a testament to Donald Trump’s strength.
As an example of what I could have done for JD today, consider this line from his rally in Grand Rapids:
We’re going… to restore American manufacturing, we’re going to restore our whole country and it’s going to start right here in the state of Michigan.
Those who pay no attention will fall for this. But those who do know that this is already happening and has been since Biden took office with what he calls his “Build Back Better” program. Republicans voted against it, but it squeaked through, investments were sent all over the country, and the impact was immediate–with the very same Republicans who voted against it showing up for the ribbon-cuttings and photo-ops to take all credit.
Yo, JD! You don’t need to risk getting caught in such a glaring contradiction. Just go upper case, add some vocal emphasis, and claim that The Trump-Vance Restoration has already begun because Biden and Harris–and Chuck and Nancy, and, oh why not? Bernie and AOC–are trying to fool the public into thinking that they are you, coo-coo-cachoo, until the election is over and they can resume their mission to turn the USA into a woebegone colony of Denmark.
As a general rule, JD, the idea is to take credit for all the good that the Democrats have done. You can’t run on what Republicans have done, because they only prevent things from being done. On the few items that gain bipartisan support, such as the immigration bill, it has been Trump nixing the deal with a phone call, not because the bill wouldn’t work but because it would work–and the president in office would get the credit.
Take all credit, JD! Hire me, and I’ll make it look like you passed the Affordable Care Act even as you work to repeal it, like you wrote the Civil Rights Acts even as you try to weaken it, like you are a champion of Social Security even as you plan to terminate it, a champion of working people even as you trash unions and insult working women both blue- and white-collar.
Call anytime. I’ll be on a luxury yacht cruising the Black Sea, leaving The West behind, doing what I do best.
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