Welcome to the Coffice!

Chococoa Baking Company, Newburyport, Mass.

Every Tuesday morning I meet with three friends in a coffeeshop and bakery in The Tannery, a small marketplace just a block from downtown.

We talk about all kinds of things, mostly music since we all play something, one of just two things we all have in common. However, while my friends are all guitarists fond of exchanging notes, sharp and flat as well as natural, on chords–major or minor, diminished or suspended, fourths or fifths, progressive or whatever isn’t–I, a flautist, often sit there as if I’m Harpo Marx.

Also in common is our age which we’d rather not talk about–although it is noticeable how often we talk about music from the 50s and 60s, ranging from Louis Armstrong and The Beatles to commercial jingles for Winston and Chevrolet. One friend sang the Bosco song, and the rest of us were too amazed to ask that he keep his voice down.

Spacious and comfortable, Chococoa Baking Company offers 40 seats, twelve of which are just inside the front doors and windows, evenly divided between two large tables on either side of four steps down that take you to the display case and counter with the remaining seats spread among small tables meant for one or two, although they can be combined.

Chococoa (cho-CO-co) is known for its whoopie pies and its own innovation, The Whoopie, a bite-size that comes with a variety of fillings from which you can choose. Admittedly, we tend to think of the whoopie pie as a generic thing, a New England filler, but Chococoa has turned it into a surprising gourmet treat that has gained national attention thanks to rave reviews by satisfied customers as diverse as Yankee Magazine and The Wall Street Journal, O (Oprah’s mag) and CNN.

Eye-opening as much as a tastebud-pleasing, they remind me of the first time I tasted coleslaw in a Baton Rouge restaurant and the remaining week that I spent in the deep South. In New England, coleslaw is but filler with not much taste, a sidedish to offset fish, baked or fried, with something cool. In Texas and Louisiana, it is something to be savored, worthy of being an entre on its own.

So, too, Chococoa’s whoopie pies.

For all that, I prefer the lemon-ginger scones, although I’m half-hoping that on some Tuesday they’ll be out of lemon-ginger so I might try a raspberry-ginger or apricot scone without risking diner’s remorse if the replacement doesn’t match my usual fare.

On most Tuesdays, I’m washing the scone down with some rich dark roast, always black, at one of those large tables where the four of us sit and chat–five on one occasion–but this week both tables were claimed. That has happened before, but we never endured a small table on the lower level for long before a group has vacated one of the two.

This week, however, both were taken. So was every table on the lower level, including one with two of my friends already hunched over it. I saw from above that I could barely cram in, and then what would we do with our fourth? Perhaps because of that, I took note of the one woman seated at one of the tables for six, earphones on, paperwork spread out on both sides of a laptop, a plate with nothing but crumbs on it, and a cup that raneth empty.

I walked past, ordered my scone and coffee, and made my case to the barista who sympathized but shrugged. And so I sat and simmered.

But not for long. When our fourth arrived, I made the mistake of trying to point out the obvious to the oblivious. To be fair to myself as well as the young woman, I made sure to smile and speak calmly:

“Hello?” She looked up with an expression of surprise. I made sure to glance at the empty cup and the crumby plate before I continued: “I’d just like to point out that there’s a group of four of us here sitting at a table for two while you are sitting here at a table for six.”

She shrugged, saying nothing.

“Okay,” I exhaled before I turned and went back to my friends. Soon, a nearby table seating four was vacated, and we had a table where we were able to place four cups at one time. As usual, the talk was immediately engaging, although I couldn’t help but notice two elderly couples come in the back door only to look around, see no seats, and walk back out. How many entered the front door and did that, I did not see.

A half hour, maybe more, passed before one of the owners came over to say hello. She knows us by first name, and when she turned to me, she said with a smile, “Bad Jack.”

I thought it was a reference to my newspaper columns, the only occupation I know which measures success as much by damnation as by praise: “I’ve been called worse.”

“Oh, I bet you have!”

Dawned on me that the barista may have said something to her about my objection, so I went first: “Say, you let people turn this place into their own office?”

“Yes! We call that upper level ‘the coffice,’ and welcome people who need a place to get their work done.”

“She could do that on any table in here.”

Technically, I was way out of line, but the woman was not at all angry. She was amused. I tried again: “You don’t mind that four people just walked in and out of here because there was no place to sit while one woman takes a table with six seats?”

No matter. She was content that such loss is minimal compared to the gain of promoting “the coffice” as an away-from-home office with fine pastries, coffees, and teas in easy reach.

I tried to find common ground: “Oh, I like the coffice concept. I’ve done it myself, in many places. Wish I coined the word myself, but I’d never monopolize more than my own seat in a place this busy. I don’t care what the policy is, that’s a degree of disregard for others that verges on contempt.”

Mercifully, the co-owner was called away before I got to mention the plate without pastry and the cup empty of anything at all.

Just as well. I’ll be back next Tuesday for another scone and dark roast. Good chance that, for the first time this year, the four of us will be sitting at one of several fair-sized tables that Chococoa has already set outside.

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Neither Yes Nor No

Every Wednesday, and whenever the new owners want a family day, I run a cinema so small that I alone sell both tickets and concessions in the lobby before bouncing up into the booth to dim the lights and start the show.

Before the pandemic shut it down for 18 months, I was doing it four or five days a week, but just one at a time since we had separate counters. Back then, it was all cash or check; no plastic could be accepted by the former owners who were getting on in years and didn’t want the burden of another way of doing things.

Not so the new boss. Seems hilarious now, but it took me five weeks to learn how to use the credit card swiper. To be fair, if you work just one day per week, then five weeks are but one. With a weekend free! But why be fair when you can get a laugh out of it?

So thankful I still am to more patrons than I want to admit who, seeing my handicap, found cash in their wallets instead. And I’m especially grateful to the woman who stopped in to pay $10 weeks later when she saw a charge of ten cents on her VISA statement. She even refused to take the dime I fished out of my pocket to keep things square.

All that happened in the fall of 2021. Since then, I have noticed something that may sound trivial to anyone who doesn’t work retail, and perhaps to many who do, but the recurrence of it, and the virtual lack of exceptions to it, suggests that it’s a symptom of something in need of attention.

Some retailers will process a credit card and hand you a receipt, but I’m among those who ask if you want a receipt. It’s a simple yes-or-no question, but you’d never know that from the answers I get:

Um, ah, maybe, I don’t need one.

A receipt? Will I need it?

My wife thinks we should collect them, but I’d rather not.

I probably should take one, but they just clutter my bag.

I don’t know.

Um, like, I’m not sure. Does it, like, matter? Like, why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, well, if it’s not too much trouble.

I’m good.

I guess so. Oh, I don’t need it. I don’t want to bother you.

To that last, I want to say, “No, you aren’t bothering me, but you are sure as hell confusing me.” Instead, I abide by the big lie disguised as the cardinal rule of business, the customer is always right: “You say you don’t need it?”

With that, they’ll offer something easily translatable such as, “I’m good.”

I tried guessing “No?” or “Yes?” but soon found I couldn’t tell if the “No” or “Yes” coming back at me was confirming or contradicting my guess. This brought the term “double negative” to a the level of an intro to a Laurel and Hardy skit:

No?

Yes.

Um, you mean yes, you do want it?

No, I mean yes, I don’t want one.

So the answer is no.

Yes.

Despite the confusion, I’m not claiming that this is a serious problem. Many of these are easy to translate, and when the question remains, I can answer with “I’ll take that for a no” 19 times out of 20, as very few people want them. However, there are times when I have to repeat the question. You’d be amazed at how many will do it a second time, in which case I threepeat the question with an emphasis on the word receipt that enunciates the letter P.

One woman responded with a word salad so incomprehensible that I had to cut her off to say: “I need to hear the word yes or no.” One man launched into a diatribe against paperwork, with which I sincerely sympathized, but which called for an as-terse-as-possible re-phrasing of the question: “Receipt, yes or no?”

But the Oscar goes to the woman who, when I asked if she wanted a small piece of paper with her ticket and popcorn, started talking about her friend parking a car across the street. Somehow I kept a straight face, let the receipt print, and when she left without asking for it, simply threw it away.

Maybe I made “Do you want a receipt?” sound like “Where did you park?” or “Did you come here on your pogo stick?” so I’ll rule her out of this theory I now have to explain why we are so reluctant to clearly and directly answer this particular yes-or-no question. And why, instead, we mince the answer in uncertain terms.

Asked if we want some things–cream in coffee, a song to hear, a visit to or from family, a burger at a pub, fries with that–we usually offer a yes or no right away, whether or not we then add details or reasons, with or without emphasis.

Receipts, however, form the intersection of something we all want to have, money, and something we despise, paperwork. A direct no would betray a casualness about finances that few care to admit, while an immediate yes paints us as penny-pinchers–even as the receipt records pennies already spent.

Though not as emphatically, other common questions regarding other common subjects–from Do you want a ride? to Can I get it for you?–often draw similar responses–If that’s what you want… Do you think so? Oh, I’m okay without it… Are you sure? Case in point:

“Would you like to sit outside?” “What would **you** like?” “It’s not too chilly.” “These chairs look comfortable.” “I’ll sit wherever you want…” A view of Perkins Cove out the windows of Barnacle Bill’s, Ogunquit, Maine. “Should we split a plate of fried clams?” “If *you* want.”
Photo by Carla Valentine.

Add to that our tendency to please or accomodate present company, to appear deferential rather than assertive, to “let things slide,” and it’s a wonder anybody ever begins with Yes or No.

As I said up top, this by itself is not a problem. But it does deserve attention. How often do we hear politicians–on all levels and of both parties–dodge yes-or-no questions? How often does anyone–from the press or the public–press the question until we hear a yes or a no?

The answers to those questions are often and rarely. All because the American public is conditioned to accept the dodge by always letting it slide regarding seemingly trivial things.

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To be honest, the expression here is undoubtedly more on my face than on those of customers, not just when I’m trying to decipher what they mean but as I sit here trying to decipher what the tendency means. This pic is taken from the site of a consulting firm offering tips on selling to indecisive clients: https://amywalkerconsulting.com/persuasive-sales-techniques/

Cry Wolf, Hi-Tech Style

At the risk of disturbing every friend I have, I now oppose any ban on automatic assault weapons.

Admittedly, this contradicts over a dozen newspaper columns I’ve had in print over the past 40 years, but today I finally heard the blight: Every time I hear a car alarm, I wish I had an AR-15.

Or maybe an AK-47. Whichever can more completely turn an SUV into a pile of scrap metal, plastic, and leather soaked in gas and oil, preferably up in flames until the owner returned.

If I heard them only as most people do, an annoyance to be endured for a minute or two, usually at a distance, I might grin and bear it. But I hear them outside the doors of a small, downtown cinema with back seats no further from State Street than they are from the screen.

Since I’m the one who collects patrons’ admission, sells them concessions, and shows the film, I am responsible for their ability to see and hear what’s on the screen. Someone in the audience starts yakking on a cellphone, it’s my job to stop them. If snoring, I must wake them. If drunk and blabbing, I must coax them out. If we have people gathering in loud conversation outside our door, it’s on me to ask them to move. Ditto if it’s just one person having a cigarette in our recessed doorway. Anything less would be derelict.

To be sure, no one expects me to silence a car alarm, and the swinging doors separating the lobby from those back seats absorb more sound than you would think. Still, it nags me to think that anyone might have to withstand a dull, rythmic blare while watching The Banshees of Inisherin or Chevalier.

Worse than any intrusion on the Screening Room was a car alarm that sounded non-stop for nearly a half hour in the parking lot just outside the front gate of King Richard’s Faire one day last fall. I often work the gate, bantering with patrons as they come and go, but as a strolling minstrel, I can come and go as I please. The ticket takers and the villagers assigned to the gate have no such option. When I returned after a twenty minute break, they were craving full bottles of Excedrin III. The alarm was still going.

Most all of this is carelessness, but I’ve encountered one that was arrogant. After a friend visited the faire in midday, I walked her to her car at the rear of the vast lot. On my return, I was walking between cars when I heard an odd voice: “Step away from the vehicle!”

Stopped and looked around to see no one before I heard it again, automated and directed at me. At faire, most of us wear either very tight or very loose clothing. I’m in the latter category for reasons I’m working on, but I rather like pirate shirts with their billowy sleeves. On that day, I deduced that the mirror of a pickup truck had grazed my sleeve like a baseball grazing a batter’s uniform without his realizing it. I glared at the driver’s door and yelled two words, the second of which was “you.”

I resisted an urge to kick it and another to urinate on it. Pretty sure that either of those would violate my contract, but there’s no contract on the planet that prevents me from saying how satisfying it would be to write my initials on that door with a few rounds of ammo. Of course, Renaissance faires are loud, rowdy events, so my encounter with the talking car can be laughed off now that I’ve vented my initial outrage.

Can’t say that about today’s epiphany.

In a wildlife reserve–a national park, a bird sanctuary, a place set aside for peace and serenity–the SUV was 200 feet from where I sat on a bench overlooking the marsh. The driver was standing with a large camera mounted on a tripod just outside it. Apparently, he took his time with his focus and framing before tending to his blaring horn. Did he notice a blue heron lifting out of his sights? Was the alarm set deliberately so that the heron would take off?

Whether deliberate or accidental, we could avoid this by simply de-activating an alarm when it is clearly not necessary, much like considerate people silence a mobile device while in public. Standing within five feet of your car fits that description. I would argue that so does being in a wildlife reserve or downtown in daylight and early evening hours. They can be de-activated, right? If not, we need to change that, and we need to insist on it.

Truth is, they should be banned. Considering that at least 99.9% of these alarms are false, the car alarm is the high-tech version of “Cry Wolf.”

On a warm day about a year ago, I spotted Newburyport’s parking cop strolling by the cinema, glancing at license plates and taking notes while an alarm was sounding a block away. I jumped out and urged him to ticket it for “disturbing the peace.” Outdoor diners next door seconded my motion. He laughed. I did not:

“If a person were to stand there and repeatedly blow an airhorn, he or she would be arrested and charged with disturbing the peace.”

He shrugged, but the diners got a rise and started cheering. Reminded me of that day at the faire when I urged our security officers to break into the car and disconnect the alarm. As did the Newburyport cop, and very likely the approving diners, they thought I was kidding.

Maybe I am, though I think of it more as exaggeration to make a point. Then again, if a machine with a defective part has more rights than a person with an all-to-effective airhorn, then why shouldn’t machines that work all-too-well have more rights that innocent, underage people?

With a simple and honest application of laws against disturbing the peace, I’ll let my many calls for bans on assault rifles stand. And on that subject, I will no longer disturb you.

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https://ufvcascade.ca/more-annoying-than-alarming/

No Place Like 10-01

Before I had a chance to see A Thousand and One, the new film set in 1990s Harlem, I showed it to an audience of 30 people, many of them murmuring to each other as they left, asking what their companions thought would happen next.

In my 25 years as a projectionist, I’ve found that many viewers have little patience for inconclusive endings, and I can still hear the woman demanding that I tell her if actor Mads Mikkelsen and the injured woman in the sled survived long enough to be rescued by the helicopter that lands at the end of 2018’s Arctic. Does she think that projectionists see sequels withheld from the audience?

A Thousand and One is different, at least for those who left the cinema more appreciative of what Inez, played by singer and actor Teyana Taylor, had accomplished rather than skeptical of how she did it. In the latter category was one woman who left complaining, “Another depressing movie!” Those in the former category appeared glad to have the option of speculating what Inez might do next, including two women who were aglow, one saying, “Whoa, that was exhausting, but it was sooooo worth it!”

Expressions on most faces, and the “thanks” offered to me as they passed, suggested that theirs was the consensus view. That night it became my view as well when I was able to watch from start to finish.

Exhausting? Well, it’s certainly not light entertainment. It’s emotionally charged, and the setting is as crowded as it is chaotic. It begins with Inez’s release from Riker’s Island, and moves immediately into her attempts to reclaim her boy from foster care and establish a new life for them.

Obstacles abound. Their backstory is mysterious (and offers a plot twist when least expected), but the present is so fraught with obstacles and strained relationships, that we keep looking to their next steps. Arguments erupt; payphones take such a beating they may be lucky they no longer exist; reconciliation is not so much sought as necessitated. As Inez at one point exhales:

Damaged people do not know how to love.

While director A.V. Rockwell keeps the focus on Inez and Terry–played by three actors aged 6, 13, and 17, which makes for a relevant comparison to 2016’s Moonlight–the frame of 1990s New York City is a tight fit. Midway in the film, we see Mayor Giuliani’s “Stop & Frisk” policy in action as police push Terry and his friends up against graffitied walls. Before the credits roll, a new landlord buys in to “urban renewal,” which African-American leaders called–and still call–a euphemism for “Negro removal.”

The neighborhood is all apartment buildings several stories high with no space between them, targeted for demolition. Inez and Terry make a home in apt. 10-01, which vies with “one thousand and one obstacles” as the title’s reference. Not only does she afford it, she keeps him in school where he proves to high school teachers and a guidance councillor that he is Ivy League material.

She marries an old boyfriend; he woos a cashier at a fast food place. There’s also a small support group that completes a neighborhood cast that shows us what industrious, conscientious people can accomplish in the most pressing environment, defying all stereotypes without bothering to say the term “systemic racism.”

A Thousand and One is realism at its finest. The language is often rough and the street scenes are always gritty, but Ida B. Wells, Steven Crane, Richard Wright and others comitted to telling the truth of American urban life would agree with the two women who saw it before I did:

“Soooooo worth it!”

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https://www.npr.org/2023/03/29/1166700626/a-thousand-and-one-review-teyana-taylor

Lighting up Downtown

As I trudge up State Street, a fellow half my age hops out of the library, waves his hand in front of my face, catches my eye to make sure I stop and listen, and says something about one of the few subjects I never consider:

“No pot shops in downtown Newburyport!”

He doesn’t yell. In fact, he appears cheerful as if rallying me to a cause he assumes I approve, but his jabbing motion, thrusting an index finger down at the sidewalk, emphasizing every phrase, earns at least one exclamation point.

No, I don’t know him, nor does he know me except for my thumbnail picture every few weeks on the local paper’s editorial page. He’s far from the first stranger to suggest I write about something important to them, but this is by far the most in-your-face, animated appeal ever made for my attention.

Must confess that as soon as he says “pot,” I’m no longer paying attention so much as waiting for him to pause for breath. Takes awhile, but when he does, I say:

“Sorry, but marijuana is not a subject for me. I haven’t followed it, so it’s best left to others, and others have plenty to say. If it’s any consolation, I can assure you that I’ll never write in favor of pot shops downtown.”

What he says next he probably already said while I was waiting him out, but this time it registers:

“State law prohibits pot shops within 500 feet of schools and day care centers. Some councillors want a waiver that will reduce that to 200 feet.”

Is it mere coincidence that school children are walking past us on their way downtown on that Wednesday mid-afternoon? We pause as a loud gaggle blows by. I must look like I’m impressed by his luck while making a point, so he presses another:

“I’m not against pot shops, just having them downtown. They can go to the industrial park, or to the malls.”

Now I’m listening. Recalling that the case for having them anywhere at all in Newburyport was that the city was losing revenue to other towns, I have to agree with him. Not just regarding other locations, but, as I tell him:

“The very idea of a waiver to cut a buffer zone in less than half invites suspicion. That the buffer is for the sake of schools compounds it.”

“Suspicion? What’s to suspect about the referendum?” he asks, referring to a 53-47% city-wide vote that went against retail sales anywhere in the city just over three years ago.

Still, I don’t want to commit: “Well, if I did oppose it, it’d be just the waiver for a downtown location, not the sale or use of it.”

“Yes, that’s all that matters.” He looks like he just reeled in a yellowfin tuna.

“I would have the advantage of identifying myself as a former pot head, so I couldn’t be accused of not knowing what I’m talking about–as I am on everything else.”

My new friend chimes in, “I smoke pot. I get high. I just don’t want kids exposed to it.”

“Well, if we had this conversation twenty years ago, I’d probably have some on me, and we could get good and stoned right now–just not here.”

“What happened?”

“About 15 years ago, it started making me paranoid. One hit, and I could no longer function. Even when alone, and oh, the worst hell is trying to hide from yourself.”

“Must be tough when your picture keeps getting in the paper.”

“Old age. You’ll find out for yourself someday. Hey, thanks for stopping me, I’ll see what I can do.”

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State Street viewed from Market Square where it begins, facing south. The Newburyport Public Library where this conversation took place is about where the street leaves this picture. As you can see, the city welcomes plant life downtown. https://www.visitingnewengland.com/scenesofnewengland22.html

A stand-alone pot shop, as most of them are, on the outskirts, also as most are, of a city–in this case, Bellingham. Washington. https://www.starbud.com/star-buds-recreational-marijuana-dispensary-bellingham/

From the Newburyport Daily News, March 15:

Councilor proposes reducing pot shop buffer zone

Addiction at First Bite

Market Square Bakehouse, Amesbury, Mass.

Years ago when I was still dispatched up the Maine coast every Friday morning, I made a habit of stopping at the Market Square Bakehouse in the center of Amesbury, just across the Merrimack, for an almond croissant to go.

It’s one of those items that makes all others impossible to enjoy. Since tasting it, I’ve tried them in countless bakeries as far as my routes take me, and by comparison most taste like nothing at all. Only one coming close is White Bakery & Cafe down in Mansfield where I no longer go.

Bakehouse’s almond croissant is addiction at first bite. Lately I enjoy them once a month or so when I rendezvous with a high school friend who lives in the Carriage City. Back when I had the Maine route, I’d eat them while on I-95 right out of the bag so that shaved almonds and bits of dark crust would be caught, and I could eat a couple of handfuls as if it was trail-mix. I’d savor those last bites all the way to Portland.

Wasn’t often that I’d be back in Massachusetts by lunch, and anyway I’ve lost count of the places in Maine that serve tasty clam chowder. But I will vouch for the turkey panini that I had at Bakehouse on one odd, zigzag of a day.

Last Friday was another odd zigzag that had me driving from Wilmington to Salisbury at lunchtime with an unusual hankering for roast beef. I aimed for Bakehouse only to be told they were out of it. Before I could say “turkey panini,” the woman behind the counter started listing the options, ending with grilled cheese.

Readers of this blog may recall that just last month I was amazed by a grilled cheese sandwich that I ordered in Turners Falls out there on the Connecticut only because it was the only sandwich listed on a breakfast menu. The name of the place, Upper Bend Brucheonette, should have warned me, but I was glad I ignored the warning. Thick, dark, crunchy, by far the most satisfying grilled cheese sandwich I ever had.

At Bakehouse I ordered it as soon as I heard the two words just to see how close it might come. Before long I was relishing it, wondering if the cook at Upper Bend had left the Connecticut for the Merrimack. Just as thick, just as dark, just as crunchy, just as satisfying.

Market Square Bakehouse is now on a short-list of places I can count on for both breakfast-to-go or for lunch. And as I keep telling my high school friend, before too long we’ll enjoy the outdoor seating.

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https://www.marketsquarebakehouse.com/ Photo from Newburyport Daily News

Library by the Sea

Not far up the ever-ragged, rocky Maine coast is the quaint tourist town of Ogunquit, one of those few-and-far-flung outposts of the “Keep Weird” movement, if it is a movement, of places as diverse as Louisville, Nantucket, and most of the State of Vermont not to allow any chain stores, any neon, any businesses that require employees to wear uniforms in their centers.

Restaurants and lodgings are aplenty for those who might turn a trip to the Oqunquit Playhouse, best known for its musicals, or to Clay Hill Farm’s dinner-theater, often with actor Kirk Simpson’s one-man shows of Robert Frost, Edgar Allan Poe, and Charles Dickens, into weekend getaways. North of the town center are plenty of beaches on a barrier sandbar much like Plum Island.

Much of Ogunquit is seasonal, and the season hasn’t started yet, which why a friend and I converged there this weekend for a walk on what may be the town’s biggest attraction, The Marginal Way, a one-mile walk from Perkins Cove to a point with, thankfully, the OGT Beanery near the town center.

Fairly well-travelled in the offseason. Near the start facing north, with Ogunquit’s center around the bend. Photo by Carla Valentine.

Perkins Cove compares to Bear Skin Neck in Rockport, Mass., with one very narrow lane beyond the paid parking lots. Mercifully, one of those lots belongs to Barnacle Bill’s where we met and prepared ourselves with chowder and a crab roll before “taking care” of the parking attendants–who obviously know why you are there–and starting our trek.

Conveniently, Marginal Way begins (or ends) at Barnacle Bill’s parking lot, or as it happened, at the hatchback of my friend’s SUV, with a sharp incline (or decline) of the rocks that overlook the ocean. As someone who always walks on Plum Island’s flat surface or on a treadmill that I never tilt, I worried.

Perhaps the sensational views took my mind off the grind. Neither of us thought to bring field glasses, but to the north we could see the Maine coast sweeping eastward at least as far as the Biddeford Pools, possibly to Portland Lighthouse. South was all ocean until we thought we perceived a hint of Cape Ann, as Marginal Way’s cliffs are rather high.

The 39 benches (yes, they are numbered) were reassuring, and we sat several times in each direction to enjoy the view and prolong the experience. We noted two benches on the same ledge perpendicularly placed which meant that, if we had an argument on the way back, we could sit without having to look at each other.

From a bench facing south toward Perkins Cove. Photo by Carla Valentine.

We walked into town and slightly north on US 1 just to look at the Brickyard Hollow Brew Pub where we planned to bring our appetites later in the day. My friend thought we should stop for a pint. Well, she’s younger than I, so I had to admit I’d never make it back to the parking lot where we had two, not one, cars.

Instead, I talked her into going back to OGT where I sat forever with a dark roast while she sipped an iced matcha before browsing in a shop where she found a large, stuffed, white lamb to give her mother for Easter.

Before we returned to the Marginal Way, we each recalled driving past a library built of stone, a short distance down the Shore Road. We detoured for a closer look and to see inside.

To drive past is one thing. To stand still and face it, or maybe have it face you, is another. I wondered if, in 1897, those who built it knew that they were creating a work of art, something that would cause future generations (i.e. us) to stop and marvel?

Or did they just put up something functional with all that excess rock Ogunquit has and say:

Okay, we’re done, you can start putting books on the shelves. Don’t forget to oil the door hinges every few months.

Says my friend: “Definitely form over function. I don’t think they did just function in those days–not the fashion. But as a memorial, and since it was always a library, I’m sure the architect wanted something so charming, no one would take it down.”

When we left, we rejoined the Marginal Way and sat on more than one bench to enjoy various views. My friend named the lamb “Margie” to commemorate the walk, and we took our cars to Brickyard Hollow for crab and ale before her drive north and mine south.

No question that the views of Marginal Way, reminiscent of Nova Scotia’s Cabot Trail, are well worth a day-trip or weekend getaway. After all, the Algonquin word, Ogunquit, literally means “a beautiful place by the sea.”

But, I swear, that library stole the show.

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https://buildingsofnewengland.com/2022/09/03/ogunquit-public-library-1897/

The main desk, 25 feet from the front door.

By the same architect, Charles Burns of Philadelphia, just down the road: St Peters by the Sea Episcopal Church in Cape Neddick Maine https://st-peters-by-the-sea.org/

Worth Banning

Yesterday, my eight-year-old grandson read a book to me, laughing with every line and making me laugh at my own memories as much as at his delight.

No, I didn’t give it to him, would not have dared. It was his own choice off the shelf of a public library: The Adventures of Captain Underpants.

Lachlan is a budding prankster, a chip off this ancestral block, and so the story of two boys whose hijinx so unnerves the principal that they are able to hypnotize him, strip him to his underwear, give him a cape, and mask his face, turning him into the most improbable superhero of them all.

George and Harold–an always fun-seeking, upbeat duo with none of the cynicism-verging-on-nihilism of Beavis and Butt-Head–may have started small by re-arranging words on signs that say “Football Game Today” to “Boy Our Feet Smell Bad” and glueing restroom doors shut. But with Capt. Underpants to do their bidding, there appears to be no limit to their trickery.

Nor is there any limit to to reading about them, as I learned just this morning when I ran into a friend in the supermarket and told her the story above. She let me know that Captain Underpants is now a series of 14 titles and counting, with at least one film adaptation. A woman in front of my friend in checkout, perhaps my daughter’s age, turned and nodded with a pumpkin smile to confirm.

My friend said she heard an interview with CU’s creator and author of the 14 “epic novels” (as it says on each cover), Dav Pilkey, who claims that it’s all based on his elementary school days when teachers were so annoyed with his antics that many warned, “You’ll never amount to much.”

Great stuff, but I had to inform my friend and the younger woman that, when I arrived home last night, I learned that Captain Underpants is among books being banned from town and school libraries. Many of my friends know I have an acute interest in book banning, and so as soon as I logged in, after a full day off-line, the photo was on my screen:

Photo credit in more ways than one: Barnes & Noble.

Bad? For sure. Alarming? No question. Yet the three of us kept laughing at the absurdity of efforts to control thought by people who accuse others of thought control.

The two women were already laughing when I mentioned that the Barnes & Noble display gave Underpants a place right next to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Both of them dropped their jaws for a moment, although it couldn’t have surprised either generation that the 19th Century wonder tale and its witchcraft still offends uptight fundamentalists.

More shocking was seeing Dr. Suess in the display. Whether or not “violent undertones” actually encourage young readers to “use violence against their fathers” might be a cause for conversation and understanding between children and parents, or children and teachers–were they allowed to have it.

What’s shocking is that, just two years ago, the same people who are pushing today’s book bans went ballistic when the business that preserves the author’s legacy announced that six Dr. Suess titles will no longer be published because they “portray people in ways that are hurtful and wrong.”

Considering that people who want to ban books are not exactly known for their attention spans, it’s likely that they read no further in the story which made it clear that this was a business decision. Those six books simply were not selling. The company was honestly acknowledging the reason why.

Still, it contradicts what those who want to sanitize schools and turn them into comfort zones for the perpetually innocent believe is the first and foremost cherished freedom in America today:

The freedom not to give a shit about other people.

If only they would hear an eight-year-old read Captain Underpants, they might realize that he or she understands that the stunts of George and Harold are all entertainment, all make believe. It’s their own laughter–and the thought that laughter as much as language engenders–that is real.

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https://pilkey.com/series/captain-underpants

From Grave to Big Screen

Last fall, a friend handed me a book she spotted at a sale and had reason to think I would want.

The book is Digging for King Richard: The Search for the Lost King, and she brought it to King Richard’s Faire where I have strolled as a minstrel since 1999, or 1499 as we rennies might prefer to call it.

As anyone who has read English history can tell you, there’s little resemblance between the real Richard III killed in The Battle of Bosworth in 1485 and the jolly, joking, song and dance Richard who rules Carvershire down in the cranberry bogs well south of Boston.

In fact, we are now ruled by King Richard XI, and not one of the eleven has ever reminded anyone of the title character of William Shakespeare’s most frequently performed, published, cited, critiqued, and quoted history:

My horse! My horse! My kingdom for my horse!

According to Digging, Shakespeare’s play is not so much a portrait of a character as it is character assassination. Except for the controversial king’s love of his horse, the Bard, perhaps with an eye on the Globe Theater’s box office receipts, was intent on delivering us into and then away from evil.

Author Mike Pitts paints a very different picture that compares–without attempting to equate–the king who died young to America’s John Kennedy, a charismatic figure who inspired a nation with his promise, was killed for his noble cause, and was mythologized into sainthood despite many flaws.

Except that Richard III was mythed into deviltry as soon as his body was thrown into a shallow grave not far from the battlefield in Leicester, now a bustling city in central England. No markings were made, and his whereabouts were unknown until 2012 after a persistent Ricardian named Philippa Langley prevailed upon archeologists at the University of Leicester to check a local parking lot, or “car park” as the Brits call it.

Ricardian? Yes, such folk exist all over the world, dedicated to rehabilitating the name of a good man who they say had no motive to kill those kids in the tower. If that sounds far fetched, at least one Canadian is mentioned in the book as a contributor of DNA evidence. Furthermore, the Ricardian I know at the faire, a native of Chicago, offers far more documentary evidence than old Willie-Nillie was willing to include in his hatchet-job dressed in iambic pentameter.

Richard III’s skeleton indeed revealed a curvature of the spine, a case of scoliosis that would not have been visible when he was fully clothed–a far cry from the “hunchback” in Shakespeare’s Richard III. Other than that, the only mystery remaining after the bones were found was what happened to the monarch’s missing feet. Pitts guesses that at some point the car park was repaved, and the preperatory cut went a bit too deep. Maybe King Dick parked himself slightly over the line, but at least he was spared the fate of “Off with his head!”

All of this is now a film, The Lost King, with the always enchanting Sally Hawkins (The Shape of Water, Maudie) cast as the intrepid Philippa Langley, and Steve Coogan as a husband who balances his attempts to aid and abet her dream with some semblence of practicality.

The casting of Coogan is telling. He starred opposite Judy Dench in 2013’s Philomena, also directed by Stephen Frears, and also about a woman in search of someone lost. That gained four Oscar nominations, including Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay, an award shared by Coogan. He’s now co-writer of The Lost King.

For that reason I offer a preview rather than a review–and also because the film may play in Newburyport for just one week and I can’t see it until the second-last day.

Judging by the book, we’re in for a can’t-look-away mystery even though we know the outcome before it starts. Judging from the trailer, we’re in for a whistful fantasy as Hawkin’s Langley imagines the young, charming king by her side offering encouragement as she campaigns for his return to the good grace of British memory.

Judging from the other Frears-Coogan collaboration, we’re in for a most satisfying ride that I have reason to think you will want to take.

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A Shape of Things to Come

FT. MYERS, Fla. (April 1) — In a 6-3 decision late last night, the US Supreme Court cleared the way for the State of Florida to begin a massive construction project in the Gulf of Mexico to reshape its boundaries to look like an AR-15 assault rifle.

“We are tired of looking like a puny handgun,” said Helen Highwater, director of Gulf’s Alternative Geography, or GAG, a new state agency created by Gov. Ron DeSantis as part of his “anti-woke” campaign.

“As anyone who reads the news knows, the AR-15 is today’s weapon of choice,” she continued, “as American as grieving motherhood and consoling apple pie.”

“This is Florida’s tribute to the 2nd Amendment,” said the governor while vacationing in Iowa.

His wife, Amy, was more expansive, citing several Republican Christmas cards with smiling moms, dads, and kids brandishing automatic assault rifles. “The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference—they deserve a place of honor with all that’s good, on or off shore,” she said while touring New Hampshire.

“The governor and his team, all of us, are working tirelessly for the people of Florida,” said DeSantis’ chief of staff, Evan Elpus, while attending strategy meetings in South Carolina.

To pay for the project, the National Rifle Association has pledged an unspecified percentage of anticipated profits from a new law requiring all students of all schools, kindergarten through college, to own and carry a loaded gun.

The state’s Republican-controlled legislature is expected to easily pass the measure this month, following their current push to repeal a long-standing state law that requires a sitting governor to resign if he or she runs for president. Both measures will take effect immediately.

Environmental groups, gun-control advocates, and the International Cartographic Association, meanwhile, are considering an appeal to the United Nations as well as organizing flotilla protests in the Gulf such as the rallies Trump supporters floated in harbors on both coasts in 2020.

“Geography is not fungible,” read a press release from Rand McNally, Inc. “Like mathematics, it is defined, literally set in stone. Once in a century, an earthquake or some other natural disaster might change coastlines, and then only slightly. But not people. We can protect and preserve our coasts, as the Dutch have done with their dykes and sea gates, but we cannot turn water into land.”

Highwater dismissed the claim. “Sounds like old Rand missed a memo from the NPS,” she laughed, citing the National Parks Service’s “promise” to “look into” the “possibility of” shifting the Earth’s axis to combat climate change suggested by US Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-Texas) in 2021.

“But the Parks official only said that as a way not to embarrass the congressman who mentioned it,” interjected a reporter who covered the hearing when Gohmert, with all seriousness, posed the moronic question.

“Which means they didn’t say no,” Highwater shot back, “which we take as yes. We’re Americans, we can do anything we want!”

Another reporter asked if the artificial peninsulas to create the box magazine and handle will be “sound science,” which drew a comparison to Florida’s response to the Covid pandemic. Said Highwater:

“It is sound when it suits us. At first we took the precautions, but when we saw how masks and vaccinations didn’t suit our supporters, and interfered with our Spring-Break economy, we condemned them both.”

“But you can’t legislate geography,” insisted the first reporter as the governor’s private police began to move her toward the door.

“Why not?” Highwater yelled as the journalist disappeared. “We’ve just seen science legislated for the sake of both addressing and denying Covid. Here in Florida, we’ve legislated race relations and the labor movement out of history and literature, and you liberals have legislated English and mathematics for reasons known only to yourselves.”

The last claim drew a collective “What???”

Highwater ignored it: “Geography was the only K-12 subject left!”

“When was math ever legislated,” asked the second reporter.

“Your ‘order of operations’ nonsense,” Highwater snapped. “A pure triumph of something-out-of-nothing over common sense. Instead of reading an equation or a formula naturally from left to right, today’s math teachers say look across the line and do the divisions and multiplications first. If that’s the case, why are they not written first, ahead of any addition and subtraction?”

The reporter was speechless.

“See! You can’t answer. It’s hierarchy for the sake of hierarchy. You create confusion and then want credit for a convoluted way to cut through it. And you wonder why the public is lately so quick to distrust educators?”

“What was ever legislated regarding the teaching of English other than the governor’s own ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill?” asked a reporter who hadn’t yet spoken.

“Well, ‘legislated’ may not be the word,” admitted Highwater, “but you have to admit that this idea of people ‘owning’ pronouns, or using such a presumptuous phrase as ‘my pronouns’ is bending rules to suit one’s own preferences. They even use the very word preferred.”

“But that’s for the sake of accuracy, according to how individuals identify,” countered the reporter.

“Language doesn’t care how anyone identifies,” Highwater ridiculed. “There are adjectives for that. Or do we now have a right to ‘preferred adjectives’? From now on I will be described only as charming, witty, erudite, fearless, compassionate, and admirable.”

Reporters started laughing, and so Highwater raised her voice, “That’s no more absurd than using the plural ‘they’ for ‘he’ or ‘she’. If you want to sound stupid, be my guest, but don’t insist that the rest of us do the same.”

Highwater turned and gestured toward reporters from Miami’s Spanish-language press corps: “Now you have these academics telling you to use the word ‘Latin’ with an X as a suffix. The word is Latin, right?”

A few of them nodded, and Highwater went on: “The added O is a suffix. So is the A. If you want the word to be neutral, just use it without a suffix: Latin. Not this tin-eared, cross-eyed, mealy-mouthed, snub-nosed, brain-dead Latin X. I swear, when I first saw it (“Latinx”) in print, I wondered, ‘Does it rhyme with stinks?'”

“Bigot!” yelled an onlooker from the back of the hall.

“Thank you for the compliment!” the new GAG director taunted as she turned to leave the podium.

She froze when another voice came from the back of the hall: “What about the Robin Williams’ line???”

Reporters were puzzled until one remembered the 1990 film, Awakenings, when Williams’ character, wooing a nurse, told her she gave him “a hard-on the size of Florida.”

Highwater smiled and leaned back toward the microphone: “What could make that point better than a gun?”

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